Winnipeg Herald
Manitoba, Canada
May 31, 2006
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the
exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,
pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage
borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I
said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals
still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give
milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across
the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
"They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing
loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in
which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing
the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and
Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we
get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one
country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney
said. We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to
reach out," he said.
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