At the risk of igniting an international "incident", may I simply say
TOUCHE! This time, I was able to fully appreciate the humor and actually
laughed aloud as I read it.
I do take acception to one glaring innacuracy, however. The French ARE the
spawn of the devil. I spent a week with trapped with a hoard of them in
Eleuthera at Club Med one recent summer. The couldn't speak a word of
English... until they wanted you to pass the wine... The children were rude
and ill-tempered and their women had the audacity to sunbathe topless on the
beach! Wait a minute... I was actually okay with that part...
Best wishes,
Jeff in San Diego
Humble Proprietor of Totally Triumph Auction
"By Triumph enthusiasts, for Triumph enthusiasts"
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...plus a few other surprises!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
----- Original Message -----
From: Not Really Me <flameproof__1@lycos.com>
To: <triumphs@autox.team.net>
Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2000 3:19 PM
Subject: Humble Reply to Her Majesty
>
> To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
> We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
> exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
> distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
> actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
> Right-o chum!
>
> However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.
> On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your
> new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you
> have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have
> decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic
> republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered
> a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
>
> To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
> compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
>
> 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
> always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
> "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
> name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common
> usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention
> of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to
> the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point
> we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that
> the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an
> American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to
> thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting
> collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original
> edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called
> Dr. William Charles Minor.
>
> 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
> we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
>
> 3. Review your basic arithmetic.
> (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
>
> 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
> Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock,
> Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full
> Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But
> one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse.
> However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work
> on that front.
>
> 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
> whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem
> has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule
> Britannia ditty, it's toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt
> "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
>
> 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
> United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
> Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
> showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament
> without having your fans start an international incident.
>
> 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
> Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best
> food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the
> culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when
you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you
how to cook.
>
> 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious
> error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second
> problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it
> to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like
> Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
>
> 9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
> Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
> soap operas.
>
> P.S. - Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
>
>
>
>
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