Thought someone might find some humor in the following. After all, it
actually has some British car content to it!
Tony Childs
----- Original Message -----
From: GCFL <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
To: <tochilds@ix.netcom.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 27, 1999 2:57 PM
Subject: [GCFL] Tools
> [You are subscribed to GCFL as tochilds@ix.netcom.com]
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
> from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
> drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that
> goes to the rear wheel.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting
> the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race
> out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
> 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
> that freshly painted part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
> fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time
> it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
> after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping
> the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
> upward off a hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
> end without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
> acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
> determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
> thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
> benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
> at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
> often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
> used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
> wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone
> in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
> Received from clifff.
>
> -=+=-
>
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