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This was sent to me from a friend who lives in N.Y., I live in Los Angeles
but I missed it. I darn near fell out my chair and choked because I was
laughing so hard. I forwarded it for three reasons. One, because something
was propelled (dare I say, like a CNG powered rocket?), Two because it was
funny, and Three, because it happened in Utah. Hope it tickles you too.
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Content-Disposition: inline
Return-path: LoreneRn@aol.com
From: LoreneRn@aol.com
Full-name: LoreneRn
Message-ID: <0.bb9d2cfa.2555d160@aol.com>
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 13:45:52 EST
Subject: LMAOOOOOO
To: Brenn402@aol.com, OHFASTONE@aol.com
MIME-Version: 1.0
X-Mailer: Windows AOL sub 41
This is an ACTUAL article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told amused doctors in
the
Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."
At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely
burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers
which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
burns to
his
anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Hello!
9. "...so I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, but
that's
like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.
8. That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy's ass like Rocky the
Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing here, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
6. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made
up
a
story about a gang of raving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into
my
house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
truth. Call me "old fashioned," but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one
ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of
God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up butts."
2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people live in Utah?
I'm
starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
Lori
To Tough to tame.....
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