We will be leaving Tulsa tomorrow morning so that we may spend the Holidays
with our family and friends in Colorado. We will be returning the Monday
after Xmas.
But before we go, we thought we would just let you know of the latest Union
contract at the North Pole. Please read the following carefully.
Merry Christmas
Jan and George Ryan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Santa Claus
To: The Southern States
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated
by the North American Fairies and Elves local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of the United States, north of the Mason-Dixon line. As part of the
new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so
for those areas I am still able to serve, please keep that in mind.
However, for those states south of the Mason-Dixon line, I am certain that
your areas will be in good hands with your local replacement (who happens to
be my third cousin) - Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack in the back of his sleigh, and a bumper sticker
that reads " These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson".
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.
AND
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he does dip a little snuff though. So please
have an empty can handy for him.
3. Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer to show
him around, and now Blitzen's head overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba
arrives. Instead, listen for "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!". And you also might hear
Bubba's elves respond "I hear dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!!" The
last I heard, he had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford
logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is of me
(Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics, such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be seen in the negotiated area.
Instead,
you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas", and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
(featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other).
8. And, finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I would
make sure that you and your entire family turns the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.
Won't be long until Christmas, so get ready!!
Sincerely Yours
Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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