I asked my dad for his thoughts. Now while I am biased, I think this is an
awesome response. I savored every word.
Jay
---------------------- Forwarded by Jay Laifman/Attorney/Legal/CF/CCI on
08/04/2000 01:14 PM ---------------------------
Steve Laifman <Laifman@flash.net> on 08/04/2000 01:01:30 PM
Please respond to Laifman@flash.net
To: Jay_Laifman@Countrywide.Com
cc:
Subject: Re: And Here's ANOTHER explanation
My Dear Dr. Watson,
Hope this finds you in good health. Regarding your latest
message, delivered by an elderly postal employee, I believe
your new-found friends are mistaken about the "Root" causes of
the Sunbeam front/rear track differences.
I was having tea with Sir William, the fortnight last, and
made some observations which deal directly with your question.
As you know, I do not think these new horseless carriages will
ever replace our beloved ransom cabs and British Railroad
System, too unreliable, my acquaintance Sir Lucas said.
However I am a student of may things, including tobacco ash
and the railways. As you may recall a previous monologue I
wrote on the origins of the European railroad gauge standards,
I revealed that it was all traceable to the width of the arse
of the Roman chariot horse.
We English are such traditionalists, especially Lord Rootes,
that I suspect the correct answer lies closer to home. On a
visit to his magnificent stables, for a choice of mounts for
the chase scheduled for the morn, I made some observations.
Both Lord and Lady Rootes riding gear were being attended to
for the next day's chase. I observed that while Lord Rootes'
saddle was of normal size, Lady Rootes was of a significantly
wider measure. This is a natural difference between the male
and female anatomy (see previous monograph), and has
significance to your quest.
The Rootes family are newly aristocratic, having just been
elevated to the peerage from a commercial endeavor, rather
than a birth right, and take great pains to act as they
imagine a peer might. They try to make all decisions on their
estate as well as in their commerce. Lady Rootes is
constantly instructing her staff on her expectations of
service to her quests, even when they are much more
knowledgeable than she. Lord rootes, when confronted with a
newly designed "Sunbeam" horseless carriage, felt he must make
a change to feel in control. He dictated to the staff that
the front and rear tracking shall be made different. When
asked what standards they should employ, he had his, and Lady
Rootes, saddlery delivered to the design team.
"It is fitting an proper that they be made in proportion to
her Ladyship's, and my riding gear as they perform similar
functions, and are from an excellent saddlery.", he directed.
Well, being proper employees, his will is their command. And
being proper Englishmen, they rightfully scaled the males
saddle dimension on the rear axle, and and attached a long,
stiff member thrusting forward into a round receptacle in
something they termed a "Tail" stock. Well, that nomenclature
is not unknown to me, as you may assume from my lack of female
companionship. The axle even had a large roundish member this
shaft extended from. The imagery is not coincidental. My
Scottish friend, Sir Reginald Bond, always said "there is no
such thing as coincidence". His newborn, James, drooled in
agreement.
The front track had to be proportionally wider, due to her
ladyships ample dimensions, and was suitably fitted with
spring mounts and loose fitting attachments so that the ends
traveled in all directions in an independent manner, much as a
lady's nether regions due under the conditions this vehicle is
simulating.
If the House of Lords, or Her Majesty, ever really understood
the organic, and earthly sexual nature of this vehicle, they
would ban them from the country. More suitable for the
Frenchies, what? It would not surprise me if the next thing
Lord Rootes does is name one of his beastly vehicles after a
beast, itself. Some vicious, loud, bloodthirsty animal that
voraciously consumes the road, petrol, and all other
vehicles. Perhaps after one of those self-centered members of
the feline family. Wouldn't surprise me one bit.
So, Watson, there it is! The true facts "behind" the design
of that beastly conveyance and their newly aristocratic
owners. What is this beloved country coming to? This unseemly
haste and need for speed. Next thing you know, they will want
to go flying like birds.
Best wishes to Mary,
Sherlock
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