team-thicko
[Top] [All Lists]

FW: beer from hell

To: "Team Thicko List" <team-thicko@autox.team.net>
Subject: FW: beer from hell
From: "Wm. Severin Thompson" <wsthompson@thicko.com>
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 16:27:26 -0600



>>TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three
way
>>lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take
karaoke
>>bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation.  Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the
>>brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous
>>bodily harm leading to the loss of his job.  The bar is countersuing for
>>defamation and loss of customers.
>>
>>The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon
>>dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more
>>environmentally friendly hydrogen gas.  A side effect of this has made the
>>beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
>>
>>Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air.  Because hydrogen
>>molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly;
>>individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an
>>uncharacteristically high voice.  Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic
>>urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after
>>consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
>>
>>The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point,
even
>>though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing
ploy.
>>It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a
>>cigarette as an ignition source.  Many new karaoke videos feature singers
>>shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in
pubs
>>everywhere.
>>
>>"Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself.  If he had not become drunk
and
>>disorderly, none of this would have happened.  Our security guards undergo
>>the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal
with
>>customers," said Mr. Takashi Nomura, manager of the Tike-Take bar.  "Mr.
>>Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size
>>of the flames he could belch during the contest.  He catapulted balls of
>>fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not
enough
>>to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the
>>flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was
>>badly out of tune."
>>
>>"He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge,
>>singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows
and
>>lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these
>>people have returned to my bar.  When our security staff approached he
>>turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach
him.
>>Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma's knees,
>>knocking his legs from under him."
>>
>>"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled
>>Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and
>>moved his upper body forward with equal velocity.  It was his own fault he
>>had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted
>>cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette."
>>
>>"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal
>>combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to
his
>>esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out
of
>>his body.  His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own
>>fault."
>>
>>Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.
>>


<Prev in Thread] Current Thread [Next in Thread>