Dear Mr. Evans,
I am sorry to inform you that the Department of Homeland Security has
been forced to confiscate your grab handle. We have reason to believe
that it has been involved with illegal drug smuggling across our
southern border, kidnapping of American tourists in the middle east,
Islamic terrorism, skyjacking, hurricanes, tornadoes, sun spots, ozone
depletion, global warming, nuclear terrorism and child pornography.
At present your grab handle is being held in a secret location until
such time as intensive interrogation, sleep deprivation and water
torture have returned the answers we want to hear. When this regimen
is complete, it will be cycled through the Democratic party until it
reaches the desks of Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry and Ted Kennedy at which
time the ACLU plans to file federal suit for mistreatment and blame
the whole thing on Jesus, George Bush and Rush Limbaugh.
When all the military and political figures we can find have had a
fair shot at the grab handle, what is left of it (if anything) will be
returned to you for postage due.
We hope this will not be an inconvenience to as dedicated an American
as yourself.
Regards,
(Name Withheld for Security Reasons)
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