> If Men Really Ruled the World
>
> Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
> call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed
> an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what
> was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to
> you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
> screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to
> the ass and a "nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do
> it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill
> your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood
> J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the
> NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be
> CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
> acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle
> would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
> brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be
> considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and
> go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches
> for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier
> to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get
> "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
> your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's
> Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
> On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
> drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain
> exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be
> broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to
> the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained
> to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most
> lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The victors in any athletic
> competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite
> Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different
> Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long
> as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man
> would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave
> you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually
> reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You:
> "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice
> one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
> The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would
> never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again
> go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
> of conversation.
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