THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need
it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to
fix any car, any place, any time.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator
hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one
easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct
tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything
from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the
yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it
-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips
are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts
of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an
integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube
that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one
of the ten worst tools of all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time
under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of
tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty
tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the
butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel
Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack
corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all
types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer
that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is
the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not
synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray
hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a
slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip
ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring
from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something
remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both>
ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime
Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying,
chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a
huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with
gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil
filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -
and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who
cares? It's guaranteed.
8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct
tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it
works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again.
Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles,
particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly
pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but
how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're
lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all
purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel
or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.
(Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
(See #1 above.)
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