BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING ON LONG ISLAND
>
>1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
>people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
>left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in
>before hitting the orange construction arrows.
>
>2. Turn signals will give away your next move; a real LI driver never
>uses them.
>
>3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
>and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
>else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
>
>4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
>"going with the flow."
>
>5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
>have of getting hit.
>
>6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
>your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
>pedal pulsates. (For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
>your legs).
>
>7. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
>provide useful information, they are only there to make LI look
>high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police car parked
>behind the
>grassy knoll.
>
>8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
>away to scare people entering the highway.
>
>9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
>not enforceable during rush hour.
>
>10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
>move over doesn't mean that a LI driver, flashing his high beams behind
>you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
>
>11. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
>rush-hour traffic ON LI.
>
>12. ALWAYS slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
>someone changing a tire.
>
>13. Learn to swerve abruptly. LI is the home of high-speed slalom
>diving thanks to our State Legislature, who put potholes in key
>locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
>
>14. It is traditional on LI to honk your horn at cars that don't move
>the instant the light changes.
>
>15. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
>
>16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
>before proceeding; remember that the goal of every LI driver is to get
>there first, by whatever means necessary.
>
>17. Real LI women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
>seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
>
>18. Real LI men drivers can remove panty hose and a bra at seventy-five
>miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
>
>19. All LI drivers are required to use a cellular phone while driving.
>It makes it easier to call 911 when they hit someone and the Police can
>respond more quickly to block off 2 or more lanes of
>traffic...especially during rush hour.
>
>20. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
>listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring the
>economic well-being of body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales.
>However, snow (no matter how light) constitutes a mandate to slow to 20
>mph less than the speed necessary to deal with the condition. Ice, even
>if only patchy, is considered reasonable excuse for not going to work
>and spending the day shopping instead.
>
>21. Gas will always be more expensive on LI because everyone's too busy
>to care!
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