FLASH: Wednesday, May 09, 2001 0755
China Blames U. S. for Second Mid-Air Collision
BEIJING (Reuters) Chinese officials have stated that they are holding The
United States "fuwwy wesponsibul" for today's mid-air collision involving
several Chinese aircraft and ironically again, one lone American aircraft.
This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving the U.S.
surveillance plane near Hinan island. Officials stated that at
approximately 8:25 a.m. GMT, an entire squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters
collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash destroyed a dozen
Chinese planes and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say
the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising 7-UP soft drink,
leaving the line "Up yours" in view after the crash. The sole surviving
Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision with his squadron, nicknamed
"Panda Rash" told China's Yingyang News Agency that he saw the American
Blimp dive straight out of the clouds and into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8
jet. "I tell Yung Gui his tail was all moo goo gui pan said the pilot He
just couldn't shake that Mellican foreign devil
According to Chinese authorities, the Blimp reportedly then veered hard left
and then hard right, taking out the entire squadron. Pilot Chawp Suey told
Yingyang the American Blimp was "fuwwy wesponsibul for incident," incredibly
repeating the exact same language Beijing has used earlier. China blames
this new accident fully on the Goodyear Blimp, saying it rammed the
supersonic fighters, and has as before, demanded a full apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is very unlikely that a
slow propeller-driven blimp could ever turn inside and ram a dozen nimble
fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"di-rec cause of corrishun was Mellican Blimp make sudden big move toward
Chinee, making impozzible for glorious Peoples Repubric Pirots to get out of
way," Suey was quoted as saying.
"Savage act of Mellican Blimp invader corriding with Chinee planes while
conducting spying activities at sporting event makes us indignant, we wan
fooul apowwogee" he was quoted as saying. Chinese officials are calling for
an apology from the United States Government and enough Goodyear tires to
replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
U.S. and Goodyear officials expressed regret, but would not allow an apology
or tires until the entire matter could be investigated further. It is
generally feared however, that Sino-American relations will never be the
same. In an ironic twist to the story, it is further rumored from highly
placed sources that the Chinese may soon cut off all shipments of goods to
WAL-MART CORPORATION in protest. WAL-MART officials could not be reached
for comment, but it is commonly believed in business circles that if
WAL-MART cannot restock its shelves daily with imported Chinese starvation
wage goods it will fold in a week. This of course is entirely conjecture,
said U.S. spokesman Pat Henry. However, he went on to say; Is life so dear
or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery ?
Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for
me, give me liberty, or give me death!
WAL-MART officials again could not be reached for comment, but were
undoubtedly clueless as is most of the rest of the American public. Further
details forthcoming when they unfold.
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