Can you believe it was exactly two years ago that
Dennis Armstrong made the mistake of asking for tires
for Christmas?
The following transcripts are from this
never-to-be-forgotten moment of spontaneous
creativity. It's a long tail, but it really is a
story, with a whole plot and everything, none of it
even planned. It just happened.
Apologies to those who've read this or find this too
long.
-Katie
-----Original Message-----
From: Dennis & Sherry Armstrong
[mailto:miata@pacbell.net]
Sent: Tuesday, December 05, 2000 12:47 PM
To: Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: Dear Santa
Dear Santa
I have been a good boy this year. I have been spending
more
time with my Family, I have been helping out my wife
around
the house. I have even gone the extra mile & helped
out
customers, & my co-workers. I even took a Vacation Day
today to go to my Daughters School Play.
All I want for Christmas is a set of Kumho Race
Tires. Just
put them under the Christmas Tree on Christmas
morning.
I would also like to get them Heat Cycled if possible,
But I
will take them any way possible. I would like to have
them
before next season so I can play autocross with my
friends.
I will leave milk and cookies for you by the
fireplace, Or
anything else you may like.
Dennis Michael Armstrong
-----Original Message-----
From: Navid Kahangi [mailto:nkahangi@interwoven.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 05, 2000 2:10 PM
To: Dennis & Sherry Armstrong; Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: RE: Dear Santa
Dear Dennis,
I am considering your request, but I'm wondering if
you are making s
mistake! All of your autocross friends are asking for
Hoosiers this
year.
Some of them don't even play with their perfectly good
Kumhos and BFGs
that
they got last year anymore.
I have checked your record and you have indeed been a
good boy. And to
be
honest, we have a lot of Kumhos here in stock at the
North pole. But
are
you sure you don't want to go with some Hoosiers?
--Santa
Not sponsored by Hoosier
-----Original Message-----
From: Dennis & Sherry Armstrong
[mailto:miata@pacbell.net]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 9:35 AM
To: navid@interwoven.com; Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: Dear Santa (2)
Dear Santa
I was informed by Misses Claus That the additional
cost of
Hoosiers would put a shortage on Reindeer Feed. & have
a large impact on Christmas for the Children.
I know all my friends play on Hoosiers, But I think
they
would let me play with them on Kumhos. After all I
don't
need to win, Just play along. I will get in big
trouble with
my mom if I play to win & neglect my HOMEWORK!!!
Dennis Michael Armstrong
P.S. A renewal of North American Pylon
would also be nice.
-----Original Message-----
From: Kelly, Katie [mailto:kkelly@spss.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 10:43 AM
To: 'Dennis & Sherry Armstrong'; navid@interwoven.com;
Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
Dear Dennis,
Contrary to popular myth, you don't need Hoosiers to
win, especially on
a
Miata. Kumhos work just GREAT, and they'll last a lot
longer, meaning
more
Reindeer Feed for you.
I am a strong proponent of Reindeer Feed. I conduct
Reindeer Feed
testing
down at the Lab. I was once a Feed Engineer, but I was
promoted to Feed
Lead
about six months ago. It's a tough job, managing this
crew of about
eight.
They're good on the inside, but a bit cliquish. It
took a long time
before
they saw the light through the fog. But I stuck with
it, followed my
nose so
to speak.
I am very proud of our product, and I agree with you -
tires should
never
interfere with Feed Consumption.
Sincerely,
Rudolph
-----Original Message-----
From: Jim Ochi [mailto:jochi@liquidaudio.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 11:19 AM
To: Kelly, Katie; 'Dennis & Sherry Armstrong';
navid@interwoven.com;
Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
Dear Dennis,
Go ahead and get the Hoosiers - the Reindeer Feed
technicians down at
the
lab have consumed way too much during the off season.
Just last week,
during rooftop training exercises to prepare for the
big day, both
Donner
and Blitzen managed to fall through the roof of the
training hut. Due
to
this unfortunate mishap, Santa has instituted a strict
diet and training
regimen to be followed year-round. This regimen
should save on our
Reindeer Feed costs, and lower our health insurance
premiums, thus
freeing
up funds for Hoosiers.
That said, full-tread Kumhos seem to be most totally
excellent for the
more
slippery locations, like GGF and Oakland, and for
running in the
rain. They also last much longer than the Hoosiers.
And, you can drive
on
them to the events. Hoosiers appear to be faster on
concrete and
stickier
surfaces, like 3com. At least, this has been our
experience on our
relatively heavy sleigh.
Sincerely,
Hermie the elf
-----Original Message-----
From: Kelly, Katie [mailto:kkelly@spss.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 11:28 AM
To: 'Jim Ochi'; 'Dennis & Sherry Armstrong';
navid@interwoven.com;
Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
MEMO TOP SECRET MEMO TOP SECRET MEMO TOP SECRET MEMO
TOP SECRET
Dear Hermie the Elf,
As you were made well aware at our last meeting, the
Donner and Blitzen
debacle was supposed to remain in confidentiality, as
per orders from
Santa.
Look, we've got a big shipment coming up on the eve of
the 24th. If
people
start finding out we're two reindeer short, they might
get nervous, and
they
might start asking questions. None of this makes for
good publicity,
especially with this rash of startup .coms appearing
everywhere you
turn.
With our rising costs of wrapping paper, ribbon, let
alone Reindeer Feed
production, we'll be lucky to break even this year.
If you want to keep your job, you're going to stay
tight lipped about
this.
As of now, Donner and Blitzen are FINE, and are merely
taking a
sabatical
this year after all their years of fine service.
Over and out,
Rudolph
-----Original Message-----
From: Kevin Stevens [mailto:kevin_stevens@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 11:55 AM
To: kkelly@spss.com; jochi@liquidaudio.com;
miata@pacbell.net;
navid@interwoven.com; ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
I heard they were in training at a greyhound track in
Florida,
alternating
as "bunny" for each race...
KeS
-----Original Message-----
From: Anthony Tabacco [mailto:atabacco@california.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 12:55 PM
To: Kelly, Katie
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: Re: Dear Santa (2)
Hermie,
Blitzen and I both believe that we've never met you at
the plant, but
just to
clue you in, we are definitly not on "sabatical". Rudy
is a total
company
stooge. I'm sure that every elf has checked their plan
by now and
figured
out that the klausco.com IPO augered in early, and
they are all under
water.
To make it worse, we both got the the same
"not on company time" letter from the HMO. Hey, we
were out there on our
own
time doing touch and gos so deserving kids like Dennis
can get tires. If
Rudy, who has his own marketing and music deals on the
side, wants to
get
his harness all in a bunch, he can gripe about plant
maintenace. Did you
really think after "all these years" we can't land in
our sleep?
Don
-----Original Message-----
From: Kelly, Katie [mailto:kkelly@spss.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 1:25 PM
To: 'Anthony Tabacco'
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
I see you'll never change, Donner. I want you to know
that thanks to
your
reindeer games, we're incredibly understaffed for Dec.
24th's shipment.
Yes,
it is true: our facilities aren't maintained as well
as they should, but
you
can blame that on our booming economy and low
unemployment. It's tough
to
find blue collar workers willing to do the maintenance
work. That's why
we're stuck with Hermie, the Associate Elf. We can't
even afford your
housing, as we could in years past, which is why
you're all cramped in
that
one tiny stall.
We're in a crunch right now. That is why it says very
clearly in the
Reindeer Handbook, "No Touch and Gos on the Klausco
Plant." You were
given
due warning. You have been incredibly naughty and not
very nice.
-Rudolph
-----Original Message-----
From: Anthony Tabacco [mailto:atabacco@california.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 1:30 PM
To: Kelly, Katie
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: Re: Dear Santa (2)
Wake up and smell the tundra, Rudy! Guess who took the
corporate sleigh
to
meet with the fed-ex people last week? Do I have to
draw you a flight
plan?
Don
-----Original Message-----
From: Kelly, Katie [mailto:kkelly@spss.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 2:02 PM
To: 'Anthony Tabacco'
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
Not Fed Ex!
Donner, what the hoof is going on here.
Rudolph
-----Original Message-----
From: Jim Ochi [mailto:jochi@liquidaudio.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 2:02 PM
To: Kelly, Katie; Bay_Area_Autocross_List
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
Rudolph -
Where do you get the right to tell me what to do?
Just 6 months ago you
were a lowly nothing, bottom reindeer on the totem
pole. You would beg
the
other reindeers to play in their games - when they
wouldn't let you, us
elves would take time out from our busy schedule to
play with you. Even
if
it meant working an additional 4 hours to make our toy
quotas, we would
still take the time to make a piddly little reindeer
happy. Then, you
got
your promotion, and everything changed. All of a
sudden you were too
good
to associate with elves. You've been treating us as
your lackeys, and
this
must stop. I've contacted our union representative,
and unless we are
treated with the respect we deserve, the elves are
going out on strike.
Please relay this to the rest of the corrupt
capitalist upper management
running dogs that you associate with.
Hermie the Elf
P.S. - if you don't lay off, I'll release the REAL
story of how you got
your
nose to glow. I'm pretty sure that puts you in the
"Naughty" category.
Along with Mrs. Claus...
P.P.S. - I also have pictures.
-----Original Message-----
From: Jesus Villarreal [mailto:jesvilla@gte.net]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 12:56 PM
To: Kevin_Stevens@Bigfoot.com
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: Re: Dear Santa (2)
Kevin Stevens wrote:
>
> I heard they were in training at a greyhound track
in Florida,
alternating
> as "bunny" for each race...
>
> > >
> > >I am a strong proponent of Reindeer Feed. I
conduct Reindeer Feed
testing
> > >down at the Lab.
Not to mention that the heftier they are, the better
for the venison
jerky, and venison chorizo that could feed Santa and
the elves.
Hermies halfbrother(once dis-owned)
-----Original Message-----
From: Kelly, Katie [mailto:kkelly@spss.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 2:25 PM
To: 'jesvilla@gte.net'; Kevin_Stevens@Bigfoot.com
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
Hermie,
Would you put a lid on your evil half-brother? Please
tell me he's still
in
prison.
Rudolph
-----Original Message-----
From: Jim Ochi [mailto:jochi@liquidaudio.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 2:41 PM
To: Kelly, Katie
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
Nope - he was released for good behavior last month.
>From what I hear,
Santa has hired him to trim operations, in an attempt
to get Klausco
back
into the black. He's the one spearheading the
negotiations with
FedEx. I've also heard that Santa has a big meat
grinder on order...
Hermie the Elf
-----Original Message-----
From: Jesus Villarreal [mailto:jesvilla@gte.net]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 2:53 PM
To: Kelly, Katie
Subject: Re: Dear Santa (2)
I got out after I gave some of the aforementioned
foods to the
parole board members, they liked it so much they set
me up with a
complete store so they could do their shopping in
total confidence.
Hermies halfbrother,(once dis-owned)
-----Original Message-----
From: Jesus Villarreal [mailto:jesvilla@gte.net]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 3:02 PM
To: Jim Ochi
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: Re: Dear Santa (2)
hermie wrote:
>
> Nope - he was released for good behavior last month.
More like good cookin'
>From what I hear, Santa has hired him to trim
operations, in an attempt
>to get Klausco back into the black.
Yeah, trim operations in the butcher shop.
> He's the one spearheading the negotiations with
FedEx.
I'm also talking to Emery Express.
>I've also heard that Santa has a big meat grinder on
order...
I think I have that covered.
The disowned jailbird halfbrother
-----Original Message-----
From: Kelly, Katie [mailto:kkelly@spss.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 3:18 PM
To: 'jesvilla@gte.net'; Jim Ochi
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
This sounds like MUTINY!
Come Donner! Come Blitzen!
Donner, where are you?! Why are you silent?!
Rudolph
-----Original Message-----
From: Jim Ochi [mailto:jochi@liquidaudio.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2000 3:42 PM
To: Kelly, Katie; 'jesvilla@gte.net'
Cc: ba-autox@autox.team.net
Subject: RE: Dear Santa (2)
He was delicious.
Hermie the Elf
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