Us New Englanders can appreciate the distress of FRANK, as to what is
considered acceptable "heat" in chili.
> Texas Chili
> >
> > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
> > Texas:
> >
> > "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
> celebrity
> > in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted
> to
> > do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and
> I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
> > the beer wagon when the call came.
> >
> > I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> > wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
> > beer during the Tasting, so I accepted.
> >
> > Here are the scorecards from the event.
> >
> > Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> > paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out.
> > Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
> >
> > Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> > JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> > FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
> supposed
> > to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
> me
> > the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
> >
> > Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> > FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
> > spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
> > routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
> wagon.
> > Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
> my
> > chest.
> >
> > Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
> > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste
> > it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
> > wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
> >
> > Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
> > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> > and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
> > when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> > tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates
> me
> > that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> >
> > Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.Good balance of spice
> > and peppers.
> > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> > Superb.
> > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
> > No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
> >
> > Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
> at
> > the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
> He
> > appears to be in a bit of distress.
> > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> > like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
> which
> > slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll
> > know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful,
> and
> > I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
> > through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not
> > too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
> > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
> > pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
> >
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