Oil Changing Instructions
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and
leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check
for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand
cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for
jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use
crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on
you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer
while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips
screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a
big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil
spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket.
Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there
somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember
drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain
plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on
the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on
frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin
cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss
additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up.
Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush
one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty
litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap
and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag
(step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil
level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of
oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm
on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another
quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's
while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil
filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement.
Stock up on beer while there since it's almost
time for a spark plug change.
-Larry McCartt
|