Dear Listers,
Many thanks for the marital advice received about "Triumph verses
Wife". Some of the advice was outstanding, some not. In total, over 50
emails were received. I am taking one or two lines out of the better ones
and posting it here.
1. Bill, I'm in the same boat
2. I speak from experience. My X2B (x to be) was never interested in any of
my
'hobbies'. It was a major chunk of our differences.
3. I'd say not to let it all get to you. Luckily, it doesn't sound like
grounds for divorce
- unless she sees you with a cute blonde in the passenger seat.
4. I suggest you keep talking to your wife. Find some middle
ground where both of you can aggree. May be ther's some other
issue that is only manifesting itself in her attitude. It's
been said "Women marry men hoping that they'll change, Men
marry women praying that they won't". I belive the important
thing here is the communication.
5.You got to remember that "the toys" are just "things". You can always
get more "things".
6. My wife thinks the perfect compromise would be for me to sell the 3A and
the
6 and get a Stag
7. A good discussion involving you and your wife about needs, wants, and
demands, along with balance, in a relationship might help.
8. Do I have any nuggets of wisdom? Nah, you, me and just
about every other guy has the same concerns but very few answers.
(Maybe you could sell one of the TR3's and buy her a Traveller.)
9. I walked away from one woman that insisted I chose between her or the
cars. I married a woman who has held my car hobby over my head, saying it
was not a "family" activity. I have asked her to come with me to shows with
no luck. She has threatened to call the police if I take my kids for a ride
in the Triumph. It should come as no surprise when I tell you I am divorcing
her.
10. I am convinced it is not the car she hates, but the fact that you have
something that so captures your attention.
11. THE BEST RESPONSE
Do you ever get up at 4:30 a.m. to do something nice for her?
12. Women-you can't live with'em, you can't live without'em!
13. Never again.
14. Also involve the kids in your Triumphs.
15. Convince her that you need to keep yourself solvent as an individual in
order to be a good father and husband, and that working on your Triumphs
does that
16. Unlike your wife, mine has no interest in LBC's or going to shows
whatsoever. I'll be lucky if she'll even go for a ride with me.
17. For one thing, if you're not doing so already, invest in a box of latex
surgical gloves to keep your hands clean.
18. Some years back a neighbor asked my wife how she put up with me always
working on old cars in the garage, her reply was very quick, it's much
better than a bar stool and lip stick on the collar, says a lot I think.
19. 04:30 in the morning!!! Yikes, you're a better man than me.
20. Have your wife read Colossians 3:18, but remember 3:19 yourself :-)
21.Lord knows I'm no expert on marriage. I'm still working on my first
after 22 years so I obviously don't know much about it. Just my opinion and
what do I know, I've only been married once. ;-)
22.Or worse yet, have a "REAL other woman!"
23. Women - can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts".
24. My solution has been to spend less time and money on my hobby now than
I
did several years ago.
25. Sounds like you better find that Morris! And soon!!!
26.BTW, I should probably add that I've never had to try any of these
tricks.
My wife's previous marriage was plenty to convince her that she's lucky to
have a husband who stays in the garage too much !
27. I don't begrudge the time he spends working on
them since his main job is as my caregiver, so it's nice to get rid of him
throughout the day!!
28. So, probably better times are ahead when the children are older, your
wife less busy and the cars can be more fun for everyone. Good luck to you
both! I wouldn't have given up myTriumph adventures and travels and people
I've met for anything.
29. Another thing that you can do is buy a 4 seater convertible, such as a
Stag,
my choice was a Mustang.
30. There's no simple answer anybody can give you here. I'm a licensed
psychotherapist, so I have some validity to my thoughts here..it's more than
just the car, unless you're really spending more time out there than you
think.
31. You could always get her to take up golf lessons while you're working on
the
TR. Then if she still bitches, let her go shoot 18 with OJ.
32. I think there are times not to placate and this is one.
But it is past time to sit down in a heart to heart conversation.Maybe it is
a security thing.
33. Sounds lke you need to get her to feel that your TR related stuff is the
same to you as her horse stuff is to her. But be sure to find out what
is really bothering her first.
34. Be grateful for what you have. And treat it as special as it needs to
be.
Just like these little cars, a good relationship tends to be a high
mainenance kind of thing.
35. Try a little tenderness first, then go to the triumph.
My wife would be happy, if I just got out of bed.
36. I have been married 3 times. The Triumphs were not the problem, but were
a symptom.
37. I think you were pretty amazing to get up at 4:30 and work on the cars
38. Maybe in the long term, involving the kids with your cars could also
provide the "alone time" that your wife may need? Best of luck.
39. Every marriage needs to have some give and take, from both
partners to make it work. Sometimes it seems like its more give than take,
but other times it seems to equal out.
40.I sent your question upstairs to the Christian psychologist in our
building,
41. Welcome to the club, Bill. My advice is to ask her along on all the
outings you want to go on and if she declines, it's her loss. At least
she can't say that you are trying to exclude her from your hobby.Who knows,
in a while she might come around. (I know mine won't!) :)
42. A marrage is uaually 85% to 95% give and 5% to 15% take,
ON BOTH SIDES!
43. A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.
44. I AM BLESSED WITH A WIFE THAT DOESNT MIND THE TIME I SPEND ON MY TR6.
45. How about 90 minutes of housework a day?
46. I havelearned to tolerate the garage time and computer time, but don't
ask me to
walk around at some car meet talking to other car lovers, acting interested.
You don't have to do everything together.
47. Getting her her "own" sports car has resulted in many gratifieing beeps,
waves, looks(she was already pretty but a van just does'nt do it) and
conversations... but there are limits. It's just myself and my son who
share the passion for car and air shows. We have an understanding, I
don't do craft shows or shopping.
48. Bottom line take the time to make her feel special and that you love
her.
Brit cars can bring families together!
49. Randall, don't make me kick your sorry butt.
50. My first wife started out very supportive, but eventually forced me to
make
a choice. I still have the '58 TR3A and now I have a second wife.
51. I sort of had a similar problem, but mine went one step too far:
without
me knowing it, she went so far as to advertise my TR-3A for sale! With my
wife, she had a control problem, and resented anything that might not be
under her command
52. ITDOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH TIME I SPEND DOING DISHES, DOING WASH, ETC.
THEISSUE AT THIS POINT IS TAKING HER TO THE MOVIES MORE OFTEN.For those of
you that don't, talk to your wife every once in a while - tell
her you expect her to let you work on your cars X number of days a week ask
her what she expects of you. Hey, it could be sex a couple more times a
week! Then you both win.
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