Folks,
Found this on a Jag list a while ago, and discovered it when looking for a
lost file. Given the Triumph mention, I thought it might be appreciated by
the bruised knuckle types amongst us!
Tony Gordon
'72 TR6 CC79849U
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Forget the Snap-On Tool truck; it’s never been there when you need it
anyway. Besides, there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic. It’s safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more in an easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's
prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real
world, everything from LeMans winning Porches to Atlas rockets use it by
the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter
and a phone booth.
2. Vice Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool.
The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed
expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternator replacement, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm,
repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be
removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the
infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it
cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).
4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids: If you spend all you time under the
hood looking for a roll pin that caromed off the petal valve when you
knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real
mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they
can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course
chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't
connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Roll Pins.
5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging
power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in
India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and
wiring with old bread- or trash-bag ties, some genius brought a slightly
slicked up version to the autoparts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform
a hulking mass of amateur quality wiring from a working model of the
Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness.
Of course it works both ways: when buying a used car, subtract $100 for
each zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver: Let's admit it. There's
nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or
mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver particularly when wielded
with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all oil
filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and
you will, just like your Dad and your shop teacher said you would -- who
cares, it probably has a lifetime guarantee anyway.
8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for concours contenders since it works so well you'll never
need to replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph,
and flathead Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends
is technically known as a tie-rod-separator, but how often do you separate
tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval
combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not
unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the
bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking
stick. (Can also be use to separate Tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See tip #1 above
____________________________________________________________________________
Anthony Gordon Technology Education Consultant
Saginaw Public Schools tel: 1-517-797-4855
ISDC, 1505 Ottawa Blvd fax: 1-517-797-4880
Saginaw, MI 48602, USA email: tgordon@saginaw-city.k12.mi.us
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