Enjoy your trip, for visting historic places outside of London try The
National Trust and English Heritage, both have web sites. They run a
large number of big country houses, castles, forts, etc. many of which
are used for films/ television.
Claire
1969 Triumph Herald
1968 BMC J4 Campervan
1976 Mini Estate
All vehicles currently on the road
I enclose a rather long guide for Americans crossing the water, currently
circulating the English Universitys - not to be taken to seriously
The Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for Americans
Visiting Britain
I keep getting mail from Cornell students who ask my advice on travelling
and researching in the UK -- apparently someone started a rumor that I
knew something about it. I finally decided to compile a little guidebook
containing my accumulated wisdom on the subject. I do fervently hope
that someone will put it to use.
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great
tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold
hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
street.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or
three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that
you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons
are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small
knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were,
for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he
brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign
of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as
"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned
by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by
the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in
doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals
are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the
water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you
when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you
are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
(rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of
meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear
Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you
are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should
order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky
hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a
rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a
suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi
driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and
state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the
British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun
by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him,
as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not
so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.
It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local
about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are
called "prams" in England, and trains are called
"bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called
"lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
"off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means
a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask
for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators
or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored
Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching
trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels.
The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by
French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed
by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to
an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and
ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the
bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as
you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day
in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane
stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things.
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