Southern Instructions - and, there's a lot of truth to these.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Yankees and
Floridians cross states such as North Carolina, South Carolina, Alabama,
Virginia, Kentucky, and Georgia, those states' Tourism Councils have
adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the
rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each
person as he enters the State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I
need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red Georgia clay. If you like the
color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The
big lumps of it -- they're called "clods."
4 . We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5 . Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you whipped...by our women.
6 . Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for ... bait.
7 . Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers,
and wear your hair long -- go right ahead -- but if we call you ma'am,
don't be offended.
9 . If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up
to your ear at the time.
10 . That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.
You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it un-sweetened -- add a
lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
14 . So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go
to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our
seniors with 'yes sirs' and 'yes ma'ams," and we sometimes still take
Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do "hurry up" well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil
them with either fatback or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21 . They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 95 goes two ways! Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and pepper on them. You want
to put milk and sugar on them -- then you want cream of wheat -- go to
Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish -- and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things
called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state -- you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislatures (all 4 of
them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for
beating the person up.
Now, enjoy your visit. I emphasize -- "visit."
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