Substitute your favorite for "Easterner" or "Californian".
G-day!
Ken in CO.
Subject: Midwest Rules
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop
when Easterners and Californians cross states such as
Kansas, Iowa, Illinois or Missouri, those states' Tourism
Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the
following list will be handed to each person as they enter
the State:
1. That "slope-shouldered farm boy" did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Land Rover. I have a
four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out
of the way, or I'll drive over it in my Willys!
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven
years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our
women will get you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Roves Fly Rod. Don't
cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We
have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy
a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines
that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town.
We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks, Jeeps &
tractors--because they want to. So, you're a feminist.
Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait
shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstate 80 goes two ways --
Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it
accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So! Every person in every pickup or Willys waves. It's
called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over
for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how
old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home...
--
Ken Tisdale
ph: 303-421-2336
fx: 303-432-8967
ktisdale@ix.netcom.com
www.netcom.com/~ktisdale
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