hope everyone enjoys this! the website is where this was found. it was sent to
me from a ford hot rod co-worker.
Ethan
British Car Laws http://www.johnscars.com/home/britcars.html
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Isaac Newton, the
guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every action there is an
equal and opposite reaction" and "If you sit under a tree long enough, an apple
will eventually fall on your head, provided you are sitting under an apple
tree."
Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for the
invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought math
wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why, even today, people who
work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.
Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them.
They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were
invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws was
going to be needed.
Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure
out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to man.
These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and
Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of
mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars." Many people are
not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief
explanation of each.
1. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature The name of a British Sports Car shall
consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen
in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of
meaning.
This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like
'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.
2. Law of Cryptic Instruction Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with
the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be
written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average
reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the
information contained therein shall be incorrect.
Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the
MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove
the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All attempts to
publish an English language version of this manual have failed.
3. Love of Hardship Law The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks,
and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.
You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and have
replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started it
sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender. But
when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of the
family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners
often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish
Person Syndrome."
4. Law of Non-Functional Attributes All British Sports Cars, regardless of
condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of
components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a
semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.
This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.
5. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law Any component of a British Sports
Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such
time that the owner becomes aware of the component's existence, when it shall
instantly fail.
Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew
there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for sale
by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell off
the motor and was run over by a truck.
I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know,
since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve
and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have
somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above).
While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that
the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the loss of the
mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I figure this is
due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the Gulp Valve
probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after
all.
Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized into a
solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love of
Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just smiled.
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