All;
-This may not relate to TIGERS/ALPINES, but for those of us that have
kids,
these are some of the distractions we endure that keep us from working on
our restorations non-stop.
Phil
Does this sound like your family???
Something to smile about -- especially for you parents:
A letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.
The letter speaks for itself......
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To: Internal Revenue Service
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying me the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned for years whether these are my children or
not. They have been a very expensive burdeon. And since you are denying my
deduction, I guess this year they are yours.
As they are minors and no longer my responsibility, it's only fair that the
government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for them) should know
something about them and what to expect over the next year. After next
year, if you decide to reinstate my deduction, you may applyto reassign
them back to me.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.
She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office
where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she
has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any
other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible
for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive
her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14.
I've had my suspicions about this one - his eyes are too close together for
normal people. Who knows, he may be a tax examiner himself one day if you
do not incarcerate him first.
In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who
was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering houses. By
the way, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to your
processing center in Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is now purple.
Whether it's permanent dye, temporary dye, I'm not sure. But like me, I
guess you'll have to learn to deal with it. There will be plenty of time
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight.
Once they let him back, I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice principal.
Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is a house
full of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones (I'm sure that you will
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather, the youngest, is probably an alien.
I suspect she slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one
year. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She
wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset her remedial
reading courses since 'Hooked On Phonics' was so expensive the schools
dropped it. You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction
that you are denying! With Heather, it's quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the oldest two) so they have helped raise this one to
a new level of terror.
I'm not certain that she can speak English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious language she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in
the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends
her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It's added a
refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what is really in there.
Since you denied my deductions for two of these three exemptions, it is only
fair you get to pick which two you want. I personally would prefer that you
take the youngest. Although I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but
afterwards, I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time
for parent counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you instead
decide to take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about sending Patrick
to military school.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Footnote
***********
The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats, did you
have to send me the refund and allow the deductions cause now, I'm stuck
with the kids!"
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