OK, all youse "sensitive" guys out there...
Author unknown
Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no
more.
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing
about
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and
"feng
shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over
the
urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I
hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
Retrosexual movement.
The Code:
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term
only
because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or
a
natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live,
but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking,
I
salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women
have
several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap (possibly
2
end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years
old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national
TV.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress
such
as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak
treechipper
accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite
bird
dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't
pay
you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up,
he
DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal
himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY
a
Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a
nail,
or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be
rightfully
ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled
with
fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just
plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of
them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing
or
throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but
are
not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as
pets
in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers
to
some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or
"Divine
Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones may include any of the
Dirty
Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II,
the
Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard
series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond
Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now,
Goodfellas,
Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train and a
pregnant
woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his
seat
to that woman. He then looks around at the other so called men still in
their
seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled
Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness. These activities offset
the
acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious
healthy relationship - I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
cigars,
car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all
over
or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his
ride on
a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any
elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt.)
NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man
will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough. He
will
always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person
deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something
stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of
doing
things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
GOT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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