> Fabulous little known tourist-tips.... <H>
>
>
> The Brits have peculiar words for many things.
>
> Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance
> say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies."
>
> "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the
> equivalent of seventeen cents.
>
> If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -
> he will be touched.
>
> The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you
> want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers
> when you walk down the street.
>
> Habits Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full
> union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
> continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or
> three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly
> new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep
> (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
> Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain
> that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
>
> Universities University archives and manuscript collections are still
> governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition;
> hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own
> inkpots and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these
> customs will signal to the librarians that you are "in the know"- one of
> the inner circle, as it ere, for the rules are unwritten and not posted
> anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian
> on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
> Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
> boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
> Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the
> colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
> hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in
> doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals
> are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from
> the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you
> when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you
> are an experienced cottager.
>
> Food British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most
> sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
> dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
> times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting
> your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are
> several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best
> bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of
> Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you
> want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your
> request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and
> forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
>
> Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he
> may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
> wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes
> grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try
> an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
>
> When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay
> whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in
> which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
> understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> Transportation Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A
> taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter
> how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you
> should yell, "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest
> policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.
>
> It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
> required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
> your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and
> state your destination clearly to the driver, eg: "Please take me to the
> British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless
> fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore
> him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know
> you're not so ignorant!).
>
> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
> most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
> Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
> on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
> escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-
> sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
> Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in
> the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
> century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
> The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
> hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by
> Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
> otherwise excellent means of transportation.
>
> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
> treatment as you make your way through customs.
>
>
=====
Jim Fuerstenberg
'The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that
cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong
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