Midwestern Rules
>Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
>Californians
>that travel across the Midwestern States,
>
>(Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota,
>Missouri,Oklahoma, Arkansas,Texas, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South
>Dakota, and Wisconsin)
>
>The Tourism Councils in those
>states have adopted a new policy.
> >
>In an effort to help outsiders understand
>the rural Midwesterner's mind,
>the following list will be handed to
>each person as they enter any
>Midwestern State.
> >
>1. That farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at
>the gym.
> >
>2. It's called a "gravel road."
>No matter how slow you drive, you're
>going to get dust on your BMW 7-whatever.
>I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Either drive yours or get
>it out of the way.
> >
>3. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
>you whipped...
>by our women....
>and you won't enjoy it.
> >
>4. Go ahead
>and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.
>Don't cry to us if a flathead
>breaks it off at the handle.
>We have a name for those little
>13-inch trout you fish for -
>we call them "bait".
> >
>5. Pull your pants up.
>You look like an idiot!
> >
>6. If that cell phone rings
>while a bunch of mallards are making
>their final approach we will shoot it.
>You might hope you don't have it
>up to your ear at the time.
> >
>7. No, there's no
>"Vegetarian Special"
>on the menu.
>Order steak...
>Order it Rare.
>You can order the Chef's Salad
>and pick off the two
>pounds of ham, turkey, and cheese.
>Yeah, we have sweet tea.
>It comes in a glass with two packets
>of sugar and a long spoon.
> >
>8. No,
>we don't eat to much here;
>we just know how to eat.
>Our men don't get big and strong here
>by chewing on organic celery sticks while
>drinking a chai tea latte.
>They grow up big and strong by eating their
>mama's home-made meat loaf,
>real mashed potatoes with gravy,
>corn on the cob from their garden,
>home-made biscuits,
>followed off by a few slices
>of home-made apple pie made with apples
>from the orchard and a big
>healthy glass of whole milk from
>our award winning dairy cows.
>As to how we work off what we eat,
>see #1 above.
> >
>9. You bring Coke into my house,
>it had better be brown,
>wet, and served over ice.
>
>10. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
>We have a quarter of a million dollar combine
>that we use two weeks a year.
> >
>11. Let's get this straight.
>We have one stoplight in town.
>We stop when it's red.
>We may even stop when it's yellow.
>
>12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to.
>And they good at it !
>So, you're a feminist.
>Isn't that cute?
> >
>13. Yeah, we eat catfish, turtle and snake.
>You really want sushi and caviar?
>It's available at the bait shop.
> >
>14. They are pigs.
>That's what they smell like.
>Get over it.
>don't like it?
>Interstates 70, 80, and 90 go two ways. Interstates 29 and 35 goes the
>other two.
>Pick one and use it accordingly.
> >
>15. So every person in every pickup truck waves. It's called being
>friendly.
>Understand the concept?
> >
>16. Yeah, we have golf courses.
>Don't land the ball in the water
>hazards. It spooks the fish.
> >
>17. The State Trooper
>that just pulled you over for driving like an
>idiot.. his name is "Sir".. No matter how old he is.
> >
>18. No that is not Bambi
>standing in that cornfield.
>It is a deer and yes,
>we shoot them and eat them here.
>You want low -fat meat?
>Nothing is better than a lean venison steak.
>Don't like the fact that we shoot them?
>Try to remember that the next time one runs across the road from out of
>nowhere and
>it does $15,000 damage to your
>$60,000 BM'er.
> >
>19. Cheese is it's own food group
>and yes, it goes with anything,
>even apple pie.
> >
>Have a Nice Midwestern Day!
/// unsubscribe/change address requests to majordomo@autox.team.net or try
/// http://www.team.net/mailman/listinfo
/// Archives at http://www.team.net/archive/team-thicko
|