This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
> before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
> every
> Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor
> pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
> went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
at
> Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
> yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
>
> "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
> inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
> that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the
> car
> pool lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different
> models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
"Lovable
> Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
>
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve
> and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
> sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
> hours.
>
> Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
> Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
> remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
for
> a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
> and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
> confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some
> more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
> rest
> of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the
> hell is that?" she asked.
>
> My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>
> I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
> "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into
> dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>
> Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
> wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
> on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
> and
> said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
> Jay's
> friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
> Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
> realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who
> was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
like
> my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
> pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
> sofa.
>
> The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
> ran
> across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
> resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
> garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's
> collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
> back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
> tape, we restored her to perfect health.
>
> As each of you gather with your family during the holiday season may the
> thought of this bring a smile to your face.
>
> Happy Holidays
>
> Lyle
>
>
>
>
-Lena
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