>1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner
sociopath.
>2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
>3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.
>4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless
I want to stay employed.
>5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
>6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control
over others.
>7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
>8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no
>personality at all.
>9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
>10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
>11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
>12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.
>13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
>14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to
do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
>15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a
gun.
>16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting
parts.
>17. I am at one with my duality.
>18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
>19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.
> 20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
>21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.
> 22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are
no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
>23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
>24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
>25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
>underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
>26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I'll
find someone.
>27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
>28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
>29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
sabotage.
>30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the
next step of blaming my parents.
>31. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
>32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn
>from them.
>33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way,
if he gets angry, he's a mile away -- and barefoot.
>Musings to Ponder:
>
> Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>
>Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
> Why is a boxing ring square?
>
>Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
>
> Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
>
>Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>
>Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
>
>Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
>down the volume on the radio?
>
>Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
>made with real lemons?
>
>Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
>Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
>
>Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
>Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
>
> Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
>
>Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
>Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
>
>Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
>
>Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
>
> Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
>and
>drive?
>
>
------------------------------------
<<
> A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces,
his
> wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
>
> Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!"
> were heard. A women faints due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the
> father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much
> does he weigh now?"
>
> The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds,"
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already
weighed
> 25 pounds at birth."
>
> The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes
> his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had
> him circumcised."
|