> > > >> The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been
> > > >> released!
> > > >>
> > > >> These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of)
> > that
> > > >> individual, who through single-minded
> > > >> self-sacrifice, has done themost to remove undesirable elements
> > from
> > the
> > > >> human gene pool.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We
> > proudly
> > > >> present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> 5th runner-up:
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift
> > tower
> > > >> at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
> > foam
> > > >> pad.
> > > >>
> > > >> 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
> > Hospital.
> > > >> The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
> > Department
> > > >> said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
> > called
> > > >> Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift
> towers,
> > said
> > > >> Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
> > > >>
> > > >> The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The
> group
> > > >> apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
> > crashed
> > > >> into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the
> > tower
> > he
> > > >> hit was the one with its pad
> > > >> removed.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> 4th Runner-up:
> > > >>
> > > >> Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
> > St.Louis
> > > >> market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
> grabbed
> > a
> > > >> hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.
> > Police
> > > >> found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed
> the
> > > >> six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> 3rd Runner-up:
> > > >>
> > > >> Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
> > above
> > > >> him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on
> > him.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> 2nd Runner-up:
> > > >>
> > > >> "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party
> (probably
> > > >> related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace
> the
> > fuse
> > > >> in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit
> > down,
> > > >> triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
> > > >>
> > > >> Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
> > during
> > the
> > > >> party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it
> > in
> > an
> > > >> aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said
> > Payne.
> > > >> "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
> > off."
> > > >> "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out
> > and
> > his
> > > >> lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
> > > >> condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
> > > >> spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't
> > imagine
> > > >> anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> 1st Runner-up:
> > > >>
> > > >> Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
> > through
> > > >> the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
> > released
> > > >> soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
> > weekend
> > > >> during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
> > Anonymous
> > > >> (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's
> > Pass,
> > > >> Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the
> > arrow
> > > >> entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
> > > >> millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
> and
> > > >> Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
> > Delashaw
> > at
> > > >> the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8
> to
> > 10
> > > >> inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull,
> yet
> > > >> somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also
> said
> > that
> > > >> had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would
> > have
> >
> >
> > > >> killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had
> > been
> > > >> drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this".
> > No
> > > >> charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
> attorney's
> > > >> office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> Now this year's winner:
> > > >>
> > > >> (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
> > the
> > > >> great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
> > concert
> > at
> > > >> the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having
> > had
> > 18
> > > >> beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over
> the
> > nine
> > > >> foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up
> truck
> > over
> > > >> to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was
> > > >> 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then
> assist
> > his
> > > >> friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was
> a
> > > >> 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself
> > over,
> > > >> he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
> > halted
> > > >> (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that
> > > >> snagged him by his shorts.
> > > >>
> > > >> Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
> some
> > > >> bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his
> > fall,
> > he
> > > >> removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to
> free
> > > >> himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE
> > LATE)
> > > >> Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched
> > his
> > > >> ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
> > branch
> > > >> penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his
> > > >> pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins,
> > on
> > > >> seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw
> > him
> > a
> > > >> rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by
> tying
> > the
> > > >> rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his
> > > >> drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
> > through
> > the
> > > >> fence landing on his friend and killing him.
> > > >>
> > > >> Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown
> 100
> > feet
> > > >> from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
> injuries.
> > Upon
> > > >> moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on
> > his
> > > >> body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
> > shorts
> > > >> dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
> > > >>
> > > >> Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
> > > >
> >
> >
> >
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