So how is the gerbil?
Was Dennis Rodman right?
Wm. Severin Thompson wrote:
> I've seen this before...but worth re-reading... (WST)
>
> (Editor's Note: In case you missed it, the following article appeared in
>
> major newspapers throughout the U.S.)
>
> "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
> trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
>
> the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
> homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
>
> treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
>
> "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
>
> in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that
>
> he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
> again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
> might attract him."
>
> At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
> happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
>
> shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
> his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
> turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
>
> the rodent out like a cannonball."
>
> Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
> impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
> burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Editor Comments: Okay, here's the top ten things that scared me the
> most in reading this bizarre story.
>
> 10.) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
>
> 9.) "So I peered into the tube . . ." I'm sorry, but that's like
> looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
> stare at the sun.
>
> 8.) That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the
> Flying Squirrel. And where the hell is the S.P.C.A. when they are
> needed?
>
> 7.) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
> someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil
> was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's anus.
>
> 6.) Are there many people walking around like this with pent up
> volcanic pockets of gas in their rectums?
>
> 5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
> doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
> made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
> breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before
> I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
> looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have
> this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
>
> 4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
> the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does
>
> one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of
>
> burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
>
> God's green earth.
>
> 3.) People named "Kiki" -- which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
> "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
>
> 2.) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
>
> 1.) You'd expect something like this in Los Angeles or San Francisco,
> but no! This happened in Salt Lake City! What kind of people are those
> Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
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