In light of the gudgeon pin thread...
"Why do I need English? I'm never going to England!"
- High school age Homer J. Simpson to Barney Grumbel
> Fabulous little known tourist-tips.... <H>
>
>
> The Brits have peculiar words for many things.
>
> Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you
should for instance
> say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got
any goolies."
>
> "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a
"shilling" - the
> equivalent of seventeen cents.
>
> If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he
is a "great tosser" -
> he will be touched.
>
> The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile
people, and if you
> want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers
> when you walk down the street.
>
> Habits Ever since their Tory government
wholeheartedly embraced full
> union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to
adopt certain
> continental customs, such as the large midday meal
followed by a two or
> three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this
is still a fairly
> new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for
people to oversleep
> (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the
magnetic pull from
> Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologise and explain
> that you were having a wank - everyone will
understand and forgive you.
>
> Universities University archives and manuscript
collections are still
> governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of
respect for tradition;
> hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading
rooms their own
> inkpots and a small knife for sharpening their
quills. Observing these
> customs will signal to the librarians that you are
"in the know"- one of
> the inner circle, as it ere, for the rules are
unwritten and not posted
> anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary
to kiss the librarian
> on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript
you've requested, a
> practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> One of the most delightful ways to spend an
afternoon in Oxford or
> Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of
their flat-bottomed
> boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is
known as "cottaging."
> Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are
privately owned by the
> colleges, but there are some places that rent them
to the public by the
> hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
are interested in
> doing some cottaging and would like to know where
the public yerinals
> are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
protect them from
> the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Crisco and have it on you
> when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way
people will know you
> are an experienced cottager.
>
> Food British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved
reputation as the most
> sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man.
Thanks to today's robust
> dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to
dine out several
> times a week (rest assured that a British meal is
worth interrupting
> your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware
that there are
> several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of
meat, like the best
> bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the
British Stamp of
> Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant,
tell your waiter you
> want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If
he balks at your
> request, custom dictates that you jerk your head
imperiously back and
> forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is
boss.
>
> Once the waiter realizes you are a person of
discriminating taste, he
> may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of
exquisite British
> wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway.
The best wine grapes
> grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and
East Anglia - try
> an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
>
> When the bill for your meal comes it will show a
suggested amount. Pay
> whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine
there again, in
> which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host will
> understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> Transportation Public taxis are subsidized by Her
Majesty's Government. A
> taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter
> how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to
overcharge you, you
> should yell, "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab
the nearest
> policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.
>
> It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since
bus drivers are
> required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just
board any bus, pay
> your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured
coins are "pence"), and
> state your destination clearly to the driver, eg:
"Please take me to the
> British Library." A driver will frequently try to
have a bit of harmless
> fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore
> him, as he is only teasing the American tourist
(little does he know
> you're not so ignorant!).
>
> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the
London Tube may be the
> most economical way to get about, especially if you
are a woman.
> Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies
still travel for free
> on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the
baskets at the base of the
> escalators or on the platforms; you will find one
near any of the state-
> sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform,
though, beware!
> Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe
bats that roost in
> the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in
the early 19th
> century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate.
> The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that
you should grab your
> hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people
have ever been killed by
> Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
drawback to an
> otherwise excellent means of transportation.
>
> One final note: for preferential treatment when you
arrive at Heathrow
> airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane
(an international
> Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for
"shalom"). As savvy
> travellers know, this little white lie will assure
you priority
> treatment as you make your way through customs.
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