When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."Author Unknown.
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan
Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life
at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that
money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,'
that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."Les Dawson.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I
visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between
five,it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
convertible." Unknown.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? Marilyn
Pittman.
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a
ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul
Rodriguez.
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar
Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children".A Mum.
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes:
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't
think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured
and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His
answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is
God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
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