The individual who works in the next office just closed their door because
I'm laughing too loud. Thanks for putting a great final touch on my week!
Charlie O'Connors
Tallahassee, FL
2 '71 MGB/GTs
1 '58 Bugeye
-----Original Message-----
From Glen Byrns [mailto:grbyrns at ucdavis.edu]
Sent: Friday, January 25, 2002 10:36 AM
To: spridgets@autox.team.net
Subject: hamster humor (NO LBC)
I've got the Sprite, my wife has the Morris, but my daughter has only her
hamster. At the age of 12 however, she isn't going to hear this one! It
was sent to me without attribution.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong"; with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in
his room. "He's just lying there looking sick,";he told
me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer
look on my face and
followed him into his bedroom.One of the little rodents was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
(Call my wife.) "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh,
my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to
reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post
a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she had the
gall to say this sarcastically.) "No, but you were
supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm,
sweet voice, while gritting
my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well,it's
just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed
me.(Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth." "OH, Gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just
Great! What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babi! es?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do
think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the
patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would
appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered,
horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I
reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know,
"Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house? "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze" his mother
noted
to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does
to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son
appeared impressed by my observation. "Oh, very interesting," he
murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son
to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife
asked. "Oh,perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in
labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy."
"What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate,
just the way he did,
lying on his back." He blushed, glancing atmy wife. "Well, you know
what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So
Ernie's just...just...Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactl! y," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the
vet and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really
thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh,you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into
laughter. Enough said.
/// unsubscribe/change address requests to majordomo@autox.team.net or try
/// http://www.team.net/mailman/listinfo
/// Archives at http://www.team.net/archive/spridgets
|