This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can
think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud
to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes: I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless machine. From now on I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public,
and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets
and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue
your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with
me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on
the number of button presses required to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you
to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at
a later date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration.
This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the
banks
are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled
with silver,
That the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will
probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter
of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency
comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay
your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed
back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You would be
well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your humble client,
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