----- Original Message -----
From "Michael O'Higgins" <roterhed at qwest.net>
To: "Robert Duquette" <RobertDuquette@Sympatico.ca>
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2001 5:01 PM
Subject: Re: Joke (minor LBC)
> I'll make sure that none of my students read this!
> Tho there is some ring of truth here
> Michael O'Higgins <60AN5>
> Adavnced Technology Division
> Lane Community College
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Robert Duquette" <RobertDuquette@Sympatico.ca>
> To: "Spridgeteers" <spridgets@autox.team.net>
> Sent: Monday, January 22, 2001 2:58 PM
> Subject: Re: Joke (minor LBC)
>
>
> > I don't see any reference to a 'Minor' though I did see references to
> other
> > LBCs. :)
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Frank Clarici <spritenut@Exit109.com>
> > To: Spridgets <spridgets@autox.team.net>
> > Date: January 21, 2001 7:47 PM
> > Subject: Joke (minor LBC)
> >
> >
> > > THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
> > >
> > > Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need
> > > it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to
> > > fix any car, any place, any time.
> > >
> > >
> > > 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
> > > stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator
> > > hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one
> > > easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct
> > > tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything
> > > from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the
> > > yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
> > > quarter and a phone booth.
> > >
> > > 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
> > > wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it
> > > -falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips
> > > are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
> > > beyond repair.
> > >
> > > 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
> > > doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
> > > phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts
> > > of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an
> > > integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube
> > > that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one
> > > of the ten worst tools of all time.
> > >
> > > 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time
> > > under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
> > > peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
> > > because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of
> > > tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty
> > > tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the
> > > butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
> > > bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
> > > aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel
> > > Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
> > >
> > > 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack
> > > corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all
> > > types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer
> > > that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is
> > > the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not
> > > synonymous with the user's maiming.
> > >
> > > 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray
> > > hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a
> > > slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip
> > > ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring
> > > from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something
> > > remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both>
> > > ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
> > > under the hood.
> > >
> > > 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime
> > > Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying,
> > > chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a
> > > huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with
> > > gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil
> > > filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
> > > stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -
> > > and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who
> > > cares? It's guaranteed.
> > >
> > > 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
> > > wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct
> > > tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it
> > > works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again.
> > > Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles,
> > > particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
> > >
> > > 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly
> > > pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but
> > > how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're
> > > lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all
> > > purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
> > > flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel
> > > or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.
> > > (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
> > > but does a lousy job of it).
> > >
> > > 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
> > > (See #1 above.)
|