My apologies to my southern friends, but here's a little early Xmas humor.
-g
>
>> > An announcement from Santa. . .
>> >
>> > I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
>> > able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
>> > overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
>> > renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
>> > only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
>> >
>> > As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk
>> > and cookies, so keep that in mind.
>> >
>> > However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
>> > local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
>> > side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
>> > delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
>> > differences between us.
>> >
>> > Differences such as:
>> >
>> > 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your present from Bubba
>> > Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
>> > "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
>> >
>> > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
>> > an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
>> > doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
>> > empty spit can handy.
>> >
>> > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
>> > instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
>> > reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
>> >
>> > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
>> > Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
>> > on Martin, and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott, and Petty."
>> >
>> > 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
>> >
>> > 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
>> > Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The
>> > last I heard, there were other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
>> > One is Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and
>> > the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
>> > Fairy.
>> >
>> > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
>> > and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
>> > area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
>> > the Bandit IV," featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
>> > state patrol cars crashing into each other.
>> >
>> > 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
>> > the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
>> > presents under the tree.
>> >
>> > 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
>> > "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
>> > Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
>> > all the AM radio stations in the South. The songs will be Mark
>> > Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
>> > for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If
>> > You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
>> >
>> > Sincerely Yours,
>> >
>> > Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
>> >
>>
>
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
G G Gerard Chateauvieux
E A
R R pixelsmith@gerardsgarage.com
A A
R G Pixelsmith on Duty
D E
S http://www.gerardsgarage.com
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