Since there are so many cat lovers on the list I could not resist....
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and
rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head
firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg
of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's
mouth
open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash
pill
down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop
by
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Larry Miller
http://www.ado13.com
Never try to baptize a cat.
|