>From Sandi Miller to the ladies on the list....
--I Think Santa Claus is a Woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they -- with
amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think
this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells
me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the
bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh (Bugeye) amid wide-eyed,
desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would
already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint
bricks
in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in
every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with
all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.........
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The
Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Sandi
|