Here is what the Haynes REALLY mean:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise = Translation: Clamp with molegrips then
beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit = Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit = Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... = Translation: That'll teach you
not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary
photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry... = Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo... = Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring... = Translation: "Jesus what was that, it
nearly
had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... = Translation: OK - that's
the
glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly... = Translation: Start off lightly and build up till
the
veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because
what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks... = Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance... = Translation: If it isn't broken...it's
about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating. = Translation: Your Mum could do this...so
how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating. = Translation: Now you may think that you
can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also
thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in
fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating. = Translation: You are seriously
considering
this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating. = Translation: OK - but don't expect us to
ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress... = Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up
and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in
the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*gger" repeatedly under
your breath.
Haynes: Inspect... = Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you
know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to
your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully... = Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut... = Translation: Yes, that's it, that big
spherical
blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant... = Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself
in
front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed=
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you
can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. = Translation: But
you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... = Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift... = Translation: The biggest nail in
your
tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit = Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card &
Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat... = Translation: Placing your mouth near it
and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index =Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the
thing
you want to do!
|