slightly edited to fit this list
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered
seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of
old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just
above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
Be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage
On fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're
trying
to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or =BD socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were
drying.
WIRE BUFFING WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
Workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a Triumph to the ground after you have installed
Your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
Front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a Triumph upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor
jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
Known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel
lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
Machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
Inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is
A good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
Otherwise found under Triumphs at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
Purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to
round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
Miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40
years
Ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
Needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses =BD inch too short.
ADJUSTABLE CRESCENT WRENCH (AKA: Kentucky Do-All ):
An adjustable spanner wrench made to fit anything but in reality fits
nothing at all. (See rounding off bolt heads above)
OIL FILTER WRENCH:
An amazingly efficient tool that never fits into the space allotted
Between the engine and the radiator of any known automobile.
TORX SOCKET-HEAD SCREWS:
The new-fangled and extremely high torque screws that you have so far
Bought 7 sets of wrenches for but can never find.
CHEESE-HEAD BOLT:
See above.
SOCKET-HEAD CAP SCREWS:
See above.
SQUARE-HEAD SOCKET SCREWS:
See above.
METRIC COMBINATION WRENCH SET:
See above
|