> THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
> By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA
>
> Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
> Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
> car, any place, any time.
>
> 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum
> and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
> upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
> package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse
> competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning
> Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that
> can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
> 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
wire
> twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
> tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only
> tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
> 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
doors,
> alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm.
> Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the
> Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral
> part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out
> of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst
> tools of all time.
> 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
> the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
> when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat
> butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
> replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
> afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
> or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
> lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
> Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
> 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack
corroded
> battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on
> the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the
> raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with
> which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's
> maiming.
> 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
> and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked
> up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
> hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
> Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
> harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars,
> subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
> 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
> Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling,
> lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed
> screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer.
> This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located
they
> can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other.
If
> you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop
> teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
> 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
wire
> holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's
> not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
> never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a
> sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
> and flathead Ford set.
> 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
> ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often
> do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other
> than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of
> undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.
> Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that
> can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate
> tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
> 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
> (See #1 above.)
>
>
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