Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it has never been there when you need it.
Besides, there are only 11 things in this world you need to fix any car,
any place, any time.
1. Gaffer Tape (also known as Duct Tape) - Not just a tool, a veritable
Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope and more, in an easy to
carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding gaffer tape in
concours competitions, but in the real world everything from
LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only
thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a ten pence piece and a
phone booth.
2. Mole Wrench (also known as Vise Grips) - Equally adept as a wrench,
hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and
wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box,
the mole wrench is the only tool designed expressly to fix things
screwed up beyond repair.
3. WD40 (or other Spray Lubricants) - A considerably cheaper alternative
to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea
Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these
sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 _worst_ tools of all time).
4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all your time under the
hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when
you knocked both off the air filter, it's because you eat butter. Real
mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so
they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of
course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air filters and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't
connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost
Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hoses and
wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up
version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
hulking mass of amateur-quality wiring from a working model of the
Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract
£350 for each zip tie under the bonnet.
7. Ridiculously Large Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's nothing
better for prying, chiselling, lifting, breaking, splitting or
mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded
with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all
filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the tip - and you will,
just like Dad and your shop teacher said - who cares, the bevelled edge
will make it that much more versatile
8. Baling Wire - Commonly known as MG exhaust brackets, baling wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for concours contenders, since it works so well you'll never
need to replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a
sentimental favourite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph,
and sidevalve Ford set.
9. Knocking Stick/Pry Bar - This monstrous tuning fork with devilish
pointy ends is technically known as a track-rod separator, but how often
do you separate track-rod ends? Once every decade, twice if you're
unlucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose
application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed
screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust
pipe that can stand up to a good knocking stick. (Can also be use to
separate track-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of
it).
9a. Large Birmingham Screwdriver (also known as an Irish Screwdriver or
Engineering Hammer) - In automotive maintenance terms the Birmingham
screwdriver is not strictly a tool in its own right, but it is the power
behind the knocking stick and the ridiculously large screwdriver. Buy
the biggest one you can find, even if it means sending away for the
Charles Atlas course in order to be able to wield it.
10. A Ten Pence Piece and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above
Mark Milotay, Principal
On the Mark Software & Consulting
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