Michael,
Aerobics is a "spectator sport"
Joe
Michael Graziano wrote:
>
> To all you out-of-shape hopefuls out there.
>
> A little humor for y'all.
>
> For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private
> lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from
> when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was
> a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations
> with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics
> instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased
> with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
>
> Day 1.
>
> They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.
>
> Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
> arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
> something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
> She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on
> the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but
> I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
> ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
> encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a
> little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This
> is going to be GREAT.
>
> Day 2.
>
> Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
> Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
> air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a
> little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her
> smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
>
> Day 3.
>
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
> I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long
> as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was
> a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
> other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair
> monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
> rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me
> regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything
> worse.
>
> Day 4.
>
> Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
> can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just
> to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
> Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the
> men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she
> made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
>
> Day 5.
>
> I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
> being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body
> not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be
> a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I
> don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't
> hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
> damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill
> flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
> couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
> studies?
>
> Day 6.
>
> Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
> lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
> hours of the weather channel.
>
> Day 7.
>
> Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my
> wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth
> drilling at the dentist's.
--
"If you can't excel with talent, triumph with effort."
-- Dave Weinbaum in National Enquirer
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