A very handy list of tools. However, in the 21st century, we must replace #
10 from a quarter and a phone booth to a cell phone. That is the BEST tool I
ever bought!
BTW how did civilization ever function before duct tape and velcro?
----- Original Message -----
From: "Terry Dowling" <tdowling@gesb.wa.gov.au>
To: <morgans@autox.team.net>
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2000 5:41 AM
Subject: tool tips
> Here's a bit of fun for you all.
>
> ==
> Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it.
> Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
> car, any place, any time.
>
> 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
> and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
> insulation, tow rope, and more, all in one easy-to-carry package. Sure,
> there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but
> in the real world -- everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas
> rockets -- uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of
> more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth - or the all-pervasive
> mobile phone.
>
> 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
> twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
> tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
> designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
>
> 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
> alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated
> soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to
> be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays
> is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look
> at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
>
> 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the
> hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when
> you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real
> mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so
> they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of
> course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack
> wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
> aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
> Lost Frendle Pins.
>
> 5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
> battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosey know-it-all types on the
> noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
> banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
> a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
>
> 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and
> wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
> version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
> hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
> Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
> harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract
> $100 for each zip tie under the hood.
>
> 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
> Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
> breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
> particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the
> tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
> removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break
> the screwdriver -- and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said
> -- who cares? It's guaranteed!
>
> 8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds
> anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
> recommended for concourse contenders. And it works so well, you'll
> never replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a
> sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and
> flathead Ford set.
>
> 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends
> is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator, but how often do you
> separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than
> medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
> force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
> doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
> up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
> in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
>
> 10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: (See #1 above.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
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> Any recipient of this communication acknowledges that:
> * the Government Employees Superannuation Board accepts no responsibility
for the contents nor the validity of this communication; and
> * they do not rely on any view given unless it is properly authorised.
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>
>
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