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sounds like Morgan maintenance (or British bike)!!
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Content-Disposition: inline
Return-path: FredSolo@aol.com
From: FredSolo@aol.com
Full-name: FredSolo
Message-ID: <da7d9e23.247c0251@aol.com>
Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 09:40:33 EDT
Subject: older car maintenance
To: MOGOWNER@aol.com, bschechter@centricmed.com, LglGolfer@aol.com,
102227.1661@compuserve.com (Joe Pagano), EAC66@aol.com
MIME-Version: 1.0
X-Mailer: AOL 4.0 for Windows 95 sub 4
If you have ever performed maintenance on or rebuilt an older car or
motorcycle..........
-----------------------------------------------
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle
jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the
brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get
the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15
minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then
throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses
in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a
motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering
a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps
off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for
illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor
mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at
night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of
the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40
years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.
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