A friend sent this to me and I hadn't seen it before.
Frank Krajewski
The Laws for British Sports Cars John's Cars, Inc.
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Isaac
Newton, the guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every action
there is an equal and opposite reaction" and "If you sit under a tree long
enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head, provided you are sitting
under an apple tree."
Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for
the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought
math wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why, even today, people
who work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.
Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed
them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were
invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws was
going to be needed.
Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and
figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to
man.
These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland,
Mowog, and Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their
new theory of mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars."
Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed
below with a brief explanation of each.
1. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and
numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the
resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.
This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names
like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.
2. Law of Cryptic Instruction
Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with the maintenance,
repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at
least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event
that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained
therein shall be incorrect.
Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132
of the MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must
remove the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All
attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.
3. Love of Hardship Law
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks, and/or falls apart,
the more endearing it becomes to the owner.
You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and
have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started
it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender.
But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of
the family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners
often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish
Person Syndrome."
4. Law of Non-Functional Attributes
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always
have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely
non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or
semi-functional basis.
This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.
5. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the
owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware
of the component's existence, when it shall instantly fail.
Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never
knew there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for
sale by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell
off the motor and was run over by a truck.
I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to
know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new
Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to
have somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above).
While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I
notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the
loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I
figure this is due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the
Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to
replace it after all.
Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized
into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love
of Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just
smiled.
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