I believe the tool descriptions were originally from a Peter Egan column in
Road & Track... now apparently part of the enormous body of humor and
information (and pseudo-information) circulating around the Internet, sans
credit... I suppose he'd find it amusing.
on 6/19/01 6:02 AM, S & M Barnes at barnesms@swbell.net wrote:
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
> object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
> containing seats and convertible tops.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
> mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
> wheel.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
> your future becomes.
>
> VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
> a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings
> your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
> part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Ouc...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
> you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the front fender.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
> off a hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN CR1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
> from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that
> your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
>
> METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
> not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
> the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
> the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil
> filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Abingdon, and rounds
> them off.
>
> PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
> ~~~~::~~~~~~~~::~~~~~~~~:::':::~~~~~~~~::~~~~~~~~::~~~~
> |'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|'|
> jgs |___1___2___3___4___5___6___7___8___9__10__11__12_|
>
> Useful Metric Conversions
>
> Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have
> problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the
> conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions."
>
> 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
> 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
> 10 cards = 1 decacards
> 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
> 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
> 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
> 10 rations = 1 decoration
> 100 rations = 1 C-ration
> 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
> 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
> 2 monograms = 1 diagram
> 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
> 2 wharves = 1 paradox
>
--
Max Heim
'66 MGB GHN3L76149
If you're near Mountain View, CA,
it's the red one with the silver bootlid.
///
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/// (If they are dupes, this trailer may also catch them.)
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