Do we remember the orange flags we used to get put on our bikes as kids
(70's) on long rods to that cars could see us-those things wer like 7
feet in the air...maybe we need these on our LBC's...so the Urban Assult
Vehicles can see us...maybe reflecters on our pedals too...
Jeff Boatright wrote:
>
> I was recently rear-ended by an SUV while stopped at a red light. Damage
> was fairly minimal (about $500) and no injuries. The woman was clear about
> two things: She never saw me and she did not feel the hit.
>
> Anyway, here's a little rant floating around online that I thought you'd
>enjoy:
>
> ---
>
> If there's one thing this nation needs, it's bigger cars. That's why I'm
> excited that Ford is coming out with a new mound o' metal that will offer
> consumers even more total road-squatting mass than the current leader in
> the humongous-car category, the popular Chevrolet Suburban Subdivision- the
> first passenger automobile designed to be, right off the assembly line,
> visible from the Moon.
>
> I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the
> "Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure." In the TV commercials, it will be
> shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging
> on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf and fighting giant
> sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface - all the daredevil
> things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody
> ever drives on an actual road. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport
> Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are
> teeming with deer, squirrels, birds and other wildlife species that have
> fled from the forest to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton
> vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 miles per hour.
>
> In the real world, of course, nobody drives Sport Utility Vehicles in the
> forest, because when you have paid upwards of $40,000 for a transportation
> investment, the last thing you want is squirrels pooping on it. No, if you
> want a practical "off-road" vehicle, you get yourself a 1973 American
> Motors Gremlin, which combines the advantage of not being worth worrying
> about with the advantage of being so ugly that poisonous snakes flee from
> it in terror.
>
> In the real world, what people mainly do with their Sport Utility Vehicles,
> as far as I can tell, is try to maneuver them into and out of parking
> spaces. I base this statement on my local supermarket, where many of the
> upscale patrons drive Chevrolet Subdivisions. I've noticed that these
> people often purchase just a couple of items - maybe a bottle of diet water
> and a two-ounce package of low-fat dried carrot shreds - which they put
> into the back of their Subdivisions, which have approximately the same
> cargo capacity, in cubic feet, as Finland. This means there is plenty of
> room left over back there in case, on the way home, these people decide to
> pick up something else, such as a herd of bison. Then comes the scary part:
> getting the Subdivision out of the parking space. This is a challenge,
> because the driver apparently cannot, while sitting in the driver's seat,
> see all the way to either end of the vehicle. I drive a compact car, and on
> a number of occasions I have found myself trapped behind a Subdivision
> backing directly toward me, its massive metal butt looming high over my
> head, making me feel like a Tokyo pedestrian looking up at Godzilla. I've
> tried honking my horn, but the Subdivision drivers can't hear me, because
> they're always talking on cellular phones the size of Chiclets ("The Bigger
> Your Car, The Smaller Your Phone," that is their motto). I don't know who
> they're talking to. Maybe they're negotiating with their bison suppliers.
> Or maybe they're trying to contact somebody in the same area code as the
> rear ends of their cars, so they can find out what's going on back there.
> All I know is, I'm thinking of carrying marine flares, so I can fire them
> into the air as a warning to Subdivision drivers that they're about to run
> me over. Although frankly I'm not sure they'd care if they did. A big
> reason why they bought a Sport Utility Vehicle is "safety," in the sense
> of, "you, personally, will be safe, although every now and then you may
> have to clean the remains of other motorists out of your wheel wells."
>
> Anyway, now we have the new Ford, which will be even larger than the
> Subdivision, which I imagine means it will have separate decks for the
> various classes of passengers, and possibly, way up in front by the hood
> ornament, Leonardo DiCaprio showing Kate Winslet how to fly. I can't wait
> until one of these babies wheels into my supermarket parking lot. Other
> motorists and pedestrians will try to flee in terror, but they'll be sucked
> in by the Ford's powerful gravitational field and become stuck to its
> massive sides like so many refrigerator magnets. They won't be noticed,
> however, by the Ford's driver, who will be busy whacking at the side of his
> or her head, trying to dislodge his or her new cell phone, which is the
> size of a single grain of rice and has fallen deep into his or her ear
> canal.
>
> And it will not stop there. This is America, darn it, and Chevrolet is not
> about to just sit by and watch Ford walk away with the coveted title of
> Least Sane Motor Vehicle. No, cars will keep getting bigger: I see a time,
> not too far from now, when upscale suburbanites will haul their overdue
> movies back to the video-rental store in full-size, 18-wheel
> tractor-trailers with names like The Vagabond. It will be a proud time for
> all Americans, a time for us to cheer for our country. We should cheer
> loud, because we'll be hard to hear, inside the wheel wells.
>
> Jeffrey H. Boatright, PhD
> Senior Editor, Molecular Vision
> http://www.molvis.org/molvis
> Mailto:jboatri@emory.edu
> 404-778-4113
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