Just thought I'd like to get off the cats etc for a while -
Larry
Apply if you dare
If they wrote a help wanted ad for the job of parenting, who would have
the guts to apply?
Job Description:
Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in and
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organization skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which include evenings, weekends, and frequent 24 hour shifts on
call.
Some overnight traveling required including camping trips to primitive
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far-away
cities. Travel expenses are not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
required.
Responsibilities:
Must prove on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose
blowing.
Must have strong skills in negotiating conflict resolution and crisis
management; ability to suture flesh wounds, a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box
because you will most likely need it for a school project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than
me!" for the rest of your life.
Must be able to drive a motor vehicle safely under loud and adverse
conditions while simultaneously practicing above skills in conflict
resolutions.
Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns.
Must be able to withstand criticism such as "You don't know anything."
Must be willing to be hated at least temporally until someone needs $5.00
to go skating.
Must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in 3 seconds flat, in case this time the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and co-ordinate production
of multiple homework projects.
Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and open to some
embarrassment, the next.
Must handle assembly and production safety testing of a half-million
cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must have a highly energetic, entrepreneurial spirit because fund-raising
will be your middle name.
Must have a boundless knowledge, so as to answer questions such as "What
makes the wind move?"
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
Responsibilities, also, include floor, maintenance, and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
Possibility For Advancement and Promotions:
Virtually none! Your job is to remain in the same position for years
without complaint, constantly honing and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Previous Experience:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continual,
exhausting basis.
Wages and Compensation:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is
due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever
is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it and wish you could do more.
Benefits:
No health and dental benefits, pension, tuition re-imbursement, paid
holidays, or stock options are offered, but there are limitless job
supplies, opportunities for personal growth; and free hugs are for life
if you play your cards right . . .
Larry Macy
78 Midget
Keep your top down and your chin up.
Larry B. Macy, Ph.D.
macy@bblmail.psycha.upenn.edu
System Manager/Administrator
Neuropsychiatry Section
Department of Psychiatry
University of Pennsylvania
3400 Spruce St. - 10 Gates
Philadelphia, PA 19104
Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a
question and you're a fool for the rest of your life.
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