Forwarded for the benefit of those of you not also on the british-cars
or triumph lists:
---Mark Clark <clarkm@oit.edu> wrote:
>
> I was on my way down to the local bookstore to buy my copy of
Classic &
> Sportscar, and as I kissed my wife good-bye before hopping in my
TR-4, she
> said "Have a nice trip to get your car porn, love." When I asked
her to
> explain, she pointed out how I was going to buy a magazine filled with
> glossy color photos of good-looking things I couldn't have and could
only
> fantasize about because they were too expensive. Sounded like
pornography
> to her, and when I gave it a moment's thought, I realized she was
right - I
> was going out to buy car porn.
>
> Once convinced of the basic validity of the metaphor, I started to
think
> about how one could classify the various classic car magazines on the
> market by comparing them to various pornographic magazines. It's
easier
> than you might think. First off, Classic & Sports Car and
Thoroughbred &
> Classic are clearly the Playboy and Penthouse of the classic car
world.
> They have pictures of all sorts of cars, as long as they are sporty
and
> fairly expensive. They also pretty much only have pictures that one
might
> term "soft core" car porn - the cars have all their paint on, they
look
> nice and are polished, and you don't see them taken apart or, heaven
> forbid, having big rust holes repaired. They are also the largest
and the
> most mass market, going for a wide audience, and they have lots of
words in
> them, not just pictures.
>
> Practical Classics, on the other hand, is clearly the Hustler of the
> classic car porn world. The cars are not as fancy and stylish as in
the
> previous two magazines, but they are more approachable - it's easier
to
> imagine you might actually date ..., oh, I mean buy one of them.
Practical
> Classic is also more hard core - you get to see what is under the hood
> while the man with the spanner tightens a few things up - very
intimate.
> Lot of pictures, not as many words.
>
> For American readers, British Car magazine is an oddity of car
porn -
> sort of like a combination of Big Hooters with the Journal of
Gynecology.
> Any kind of picture of a car will do, as long as its British, just
like Big
> Hooters will carry any sort of picture, as long as it involves,
well, big
> hooters. But British Car has all that detailed advice stuff as
well, very
> clinical - I guess they want to appeal to every American no matter how
> weird their tastes in car porn are.
>
> As for the various single marque magazines, like Jaguar World or The
> Triumph Register, they are just like the sort of very specialized
magazines
> found only behind the counter in plain wrappers, something like Blonde
> Teens Who Like Riding Horses In The Nude Covered With Chocolate
Sauce. For
> these car porn devotees, only one specific kind of porn will do, only
> pictures of one specific kind of car will get them off ..... the
couch to
> polish something in the garage.
>
> As for club newsletters, well that's just plain dirty, exactly
like the
> stuff collected by local groups of perverts who pass around the latest
> child pornography. Crudely printed, amateur layout, but for the
faithful
> the thing they must have so that they and their fellow perv ...
enthusiasts
> can get together and compare what it is they have in their driveways.
>
> So what sort of car porn consumer am I? Well, I must confess that
I am
> an addict - I read all kinds, and I just can't get enough. Good
thing my
> wife is so understanding, not to mention my TR-4....
>
>
> Mark "Is that an alternator in your pocket or are you just happy to
see
> me?" Clark
>
> Dr. Mark Clark
> Oregon Institute of Technology
>
>
>
==
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