DREMEL - 1001 uses, it cuts, it polishes, it sharpens (picture of hammer
and nail) did I mention it cuts?
Kai
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> From: Aron Travis <atravis@spacey.net>
> To: mgs@autox.team.net
> Subject: tools definitions
> Date: Thursday, July 03, 1997 11:40 PM
>
> I got this from one of my other car lists, enjoy!
> -Aron Travis-
> "always in a automotive frenzy"
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
> car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
> of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
> tonneau covers.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
> rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
> works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of
> a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear
> axle.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads..
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
> board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
> course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
> heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those
> stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
> Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in
> _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid
> for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
>
> ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch..
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
> and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month
> old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for
> no good reason.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
> splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench
> grinder.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
> somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
> removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
> about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
> after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
> springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air
> dam.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
> off a hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters..
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
> your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit..
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you
> may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
> tip on the end without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
> sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
> after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
> as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw..
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
> sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
> night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
> 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
> shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
> somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
> can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips
> screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
> impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
> 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
> them off.
>
> Jim: To which I can add these tips passed on to me by my Father, a
> master craftsman..
>
> CHISEL..
> Device used for opening paint tins..
>
> SCREWDRIVER..
> Device used for stirring paint..
>
> HAMMER
> Device used for inserting screws. Used properly the screws can be
> inserted sideways..
> Hammers can also be used for pounding on paint tin lids to ensure that
> the paint is immediately required again..
>
> AXE
> Metal wedge with a wooden handle. Used for digging holes in the
> ground next to oversized pieces of fire-wood..
>
> NAIL
> Thin metal rod used for splitting expensive and rare wood. Often used
> as an aiming point for those wielding a hammer, to enable them to make
> attractive circular patterns in the precious and rare wood prior to
> splitting it. Nails which have been hit have a characteristic right
> angle bend..
>
> SCREW
> Metal fastener used for splitting wood..
> Unused screws have a distinguishing slot which can be obliterated with
> a screw-driver..
>
> PAINT
> Mysterious substance witht the following properties..
> It can run vertically up a paint brush to your elbow..
> It can succesfully slide of walls without leaving a mark, and then
> appear magically on the bottoms of your shoes. If you clean it off
> your shoes it appears on the new carpet in foot print patterns..
> It can appear in one more shade than they show you in brochures..
> Two coats of an identical paint in a precious area can always be
> distinguished by colour, sheen and characteristic run marks..
>
> >From Glen McGregor
> You missed a few....
>
> SCREWDRIVER: device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a
> chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making
> random gouges in things. The flat blade at the end can be removed if
> desired by placing in the notch on a screw head and applying a
> rotational pressure..
>
> SOLDERING WIRE (silver): although this item was designed before the
> invention of plastic, it's main use is as a replacement for
> twist-ties..
>
> STAPLEGUN: invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This
> tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another as
> staples are not made in that size..
>
> BALL-PEEN HAMMER: Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by
> Fransco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen
> had not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the
> balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of
> devices. Ballpeen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to
> swat flies. Also used as a universal centerpunch, and for turning
> fingernails black..
>
> SIDCHROME SOCKET SET: When used as directed by manufacturer, will
> effectively strip the thread from any known bolt. Older bolts can be
> made to snap off flush with their retaining holes. ( See E-Z OUT )..
> The metric sizes are good for rounding off bolts on older American and
> English cars, and most Australian cars..
>
> SIDCHROME RATCHET SOCKET HANDLE: A good substitute for any hammer..
>
> CABLE-TIE: This ingenious device can be used to fix anything, some say
> the Eiffel Tower is in fact made of cable ties..
>
>
> >From Jim (Some even later entries)
> SHIFTING SPANNER
> See "HAMMER"
>
> PAINT TIN
> Used for (a) Preventing intentional access to paint without use of a
> chisel..
> (b) causing paint otherwise unavailable to dry out
> (c) as a tempoary container just prior to spillage..
>
> CHAINSAW
> Surgical instrument. Used for removing excess body parts. Also for
> cutting through wood-horses, and embedded metal in potential fire
> wood..
> Also use for generating interesting pyrotechnic displays when brough
> into contact with concrete and non-existant rocks..
>
> LADDER
> Device used for breaking glass in high windows. Aluminium ones can be
> used for an invigorating experience by bringing them into contact with
> insulated overhead power-cables..
>
> INSULATION
> Used for adding thickness and cost to overhead cables without in any
> way impeding the flow of electrons..
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